We are all familiar with the story of the Ugly Duckling, how he was bullied and his happy ending. But do any of us remember the part of the story that touches how lonely, confused, and unwanted he felt before finding who he truly was and his happy ending. I was the ‘Ugly Duckling’ growing up, and now that I’m older and still on the journey of finding myself and my true ‘friends’ and ‘family by choice’ I thought I would touch on the parts of the Ugly Duckling’s journey most of us don’t remember.
Note: The below is not from the ducklings’ perspective; it is my personal experience and ongoing journey.
Yes, I was the ugly duckling. Up until my senior year in high school; I wore glasses, had a chipped front tooth that was gray, and short hair. If you went to my school, I often tried to blend in with walls or lockers and succeeded most of the time, anyway. I was also the one who walked my own path, so I didn’t really fit in with any of the ‘social cliques’, and I’m sure I became known as the loner because of this. What many don’t know is I wanted friends; I wanted to fit in with one of the groups and badly. Sure I had a few friends off and on, unfortunately as friends come and go the few I had in school I found out, using my 4 inputs, that they were picking on me verbally behind my back, causing me to lose trust in anyone who wanted to be friends.
I have a vivid memory of a moment during my freshman year when one of the popular jocks asked me if I would go with them to the homecoming dance. My answer was no plain and simple; his friends picked on him during lunch. What they don’t know is I had 2 reasons: one, simply, I was under 16, the age my parents deemed to be dating age, and 2 I had overheard them daring him to ask me. During my 4 years in high school, I had a few friends, but not best friends. They were more like classmates who would actually talk to me and seemed more like brothers or sisters during the school day. When I got home, it was just me, no one to talk to but the 4 walls of my room.
When I finally made a best friend, who was the daughter of one of my mom’s friends, it felt nice. I finally had someone with whom I could laugh. This friend and her mom helped break some of the protective walls I had built. Because of them, I tried to extend myself at school as well, which did not end well. I always felt self-conscious and never truly felt comfortable putting my true self out there.
After I graduated and got ready to start college, I looked at this as a new opportunity. I started college with a clean slate and a positive attitude. This did not last long because my old feelings of not fitting in and getting picked on set in. It took me most of college to figure out why; you see once I make a friend and let them into my protective walls I am a loyal friend to them for life and when they do something to hurt me or someone I care about it hurts, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong and how to fix it with them.
Now at 52 years old I am dealing with the mental issues caused by the bullying I went through from grade 1 through grade 12. Being an only child and introvert do not help me any either; both combined with my fear of being rejected, and talked bad about behind my back make it extremely hard for me to make new friends or even try to re-connected with the few people I spoke with and semi-trusted in high school.
This ugly duckling is still affected by what was done to me when I was younger. The bullying I endured has lasting effects, making it hard for me to connect with anyone on a level that results in a lasting friendship; one where you have someone other than your significant other that you can laugh with, cry with or just chat about absolutely anything.
Question: Have you ever labeled someone as a loner because they always sat alone?
Action: Reach out to a family member, co-worker, previous classmate or friend just to let them know you are there and that you care.
I ask this because my greatest fear is to die alone with no-one to find me, no one to pass on my knowledge, my stories and hear about the mental pain and invisible scars I carried around my whole life, no one to pass on what the lasting effects bullying actually has on someone. Some like me can bury it and appear to be living, but we are not we are simply existing, others may take matters into their own hands do something rash and dangerous to those who are doing the bullying, while others may quietly give up and take their life.
Stop and think really hard before doing or saying something hurtful, as words hurt more and those scars last longer.
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